turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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