Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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