census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
