i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
