woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
