the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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