i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
