I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
