Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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