there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
