ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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