Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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