My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
