Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Randomize
