he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
