I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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