Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
well you can't waste a boner
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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