Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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