The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
