Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He shit in the fireplace
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
