I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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