Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you inspire me to be a worse person
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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