I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
