I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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