Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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