Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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