im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
