Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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