yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
