I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
