I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
