Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
