Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I stole a fireplace last night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
