i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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