i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
