If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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