Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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