I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
