I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
