"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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