I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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