I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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