I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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