And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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