Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
