all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize