I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
