The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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