It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
