So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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