I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
